Bears

Ever since I heard Mr. Chocolate eat his friend, Tim Treadwell, in Grizzly Man, I've been a little scared of bears. I mentioned below that when I heard some unnamed thing growl at me from the woods a couple weeks ago, I fled screaming back to my tent to land right on top of A. while I was still squealing in dismay. Now, A.'s response was to tell me that first of all what had growled at me was probably not a bear and second of all, if it had been, it was probably a friendly bear. "The bears around here are so socialized they probably wouldn't hurt a fly," he said. Right.

That's why whenever you go into national parks, you are presented with numerous written materials and guides on what to do if you encounter a bear both in the woods and at a distance. None of these leaflets, guides, hand-outs remotely suggest bears are friendly. Rather, they suggest, oh, you should sortof be a bit concerned when encountering one of them. It's also why huge signs are posted, it seems, every ten feet or so that state the following: All bears are dangerous. Do not feed them. Do not get out of your car. Do not go near them. I get the point, and so I've no intention of befriending a bear. Or even getting near one. But in case I do, I have memorized the two types of ways to respond to how a bear is attacking you. There are steps to this.

Step 1: Determine why the bear is attacking you. Now, this is easier than it sounds. Just ask yourself, hey, did I surprise the bear? Is he scared of me? Riggghhhht. Now, if the bear is scared of you, you should proceed to step 2A: Just play dead, but while you're doing it, be sure and lay on your stomach and cover the back of your neck and head. The bear will probably then stop being scared of you and you can be "pretty sure" the attack will end in a couple minutes. If the bear was NOT scared of you, but has been stalking you, for example, on a trail, or attacking you in your tent and the bear catches you, proceed to step 2B: Fight! Fight the bear as hard as you can! Scream, yell, hit the bear, spray it with some stuff, not Off, but some bear stuff. But if the bear does catch you, then keep fighting until, oh some point which is never precisely specified, you lay on your stomach and cover the back of your neck and head. Yay.

None of the materials I've ever found address step 2C, which might have been useful in cases you encounter Mr. Chocolate when the bear was neither scared of you, nor stalking you, but just apparently decided to eat you for the heck of it. Well, this morning at Mount Revelstoke, when the nice gal at the entry kiosk told me casually, (I detected deliberate casualness in her voice), "Oh, hey, a scout just went up with a telemetry device to check on a bear that's been acting up in the area, just to let ya know." (By the way, she told me this right after she told me they might have to close the mountain down that afternoon due to lightning fires.) "What do you mean, a bear that's been acting up?" I asked her. I mean how do bears ACT UP? What more can they do to you than they already do, which is try to kill you for a variety of reasons? "Oh, hey," she said, detecting my alarm, "I mean we have a collar on the fellow. Just make loud noises on the trail, the scout's up there, it should be fine." I stared at her. "You have a collar on it? What FOR?" "To track it," she explained patiently as one or two cars arrived behind me. "Where is it?" I ask her, "I want to avoid that area." "Well, we don't rightly know, at the moment, but we'll find him! Hey, just make noise on the trails, ya know." I checked the rearview mirror and detected an impatient grimmace on the face of the driver behind me. "Fine," I said, gunning the engine unintentionally and lurching up the mountain. I'm not getting out of the car, I told myself as I headed up a grade 7% road towards, Mr. Chocolate.

I said all this to say that I appear to be the only person in the entire state of Canada that pays attention to the literature on bears. The pic? Well, it's what everyone ELSE does when they see a bear in Canadian National Parks. I noticed this large crowd of people on the side of the road and slowed down to inquire as to what they were looking at. And a five year old told me it was a bear. "Ya see it there?" he asked me sweetly, "Over next to that tree?" "No," I told him, "But if you get a chance to chat with him, tell him I said 'Hi.'" (All this occurred in an avalanche zone around 100 yards past a sign that warned: "If you see a bear, do not get out of your car. They are dangerous.") Heh.